Breathless and sweaty after their aerobatics class, Kelsey and Tracey fished their water bottles from their duffle bags and sat on the bench in the women’s locker room.

After taking a long gulp, Kelsey closed the bottle.  “I can’t believe we let Abby talk us into taking one of her classes.  My body already aches; I don’t want to think what it’ll feel like tomorrow.”

                 “We are helping a friend.  You know how hard it is to start a business.”  Tracey put the bottle between her thighs and removed the ponytail holder, then shook her sweaty hair.  “Owning and running a gym has been Abby’s dream for a while now, so if we spread the word around town, and get her more members, we won’t have to do this again.”

                 “I guess you’re right.”  Kelsey wiped her face with a towel.  “It feels good helping out a friend.  And I need to lose the pounds I gained so far this holiday season.  I need to fit into that dress from Abby’s wedding so that I can wear it for our date.  If all goes well after I talk to Wade, that is.  I’m dreading the conversation.”

                 “Kelse, you have nothing to worry about.  You have a great size six figure, and Wade lights up whenever he sees you.”                           Tracey pursed her lips.  “I still can’t believe you’re questioning his feelings towards you.  He’s crazy for you.”

                 Kelsey sighed.  “If you had seen his sister’s picture, you would have doubts, too.”

                 “As I told you before, the fact that Hannah looks like Christina is a coincidence.”  Tracey tilted her head, and her eyebrows scrunched together.  “Do you know why I think you’re so willing to doubt his feelings towards you?”

                 “No, but I know you’re going to tell me.”  Kelsey pushed her hair out of her eyes, hoping her friend wouldn’t be blunt.  Fat chance.

                 “You’re afraid of getting your heart broken again.”

                 “Or you’re scared to be happy,” Abby said, walking toward them with clean white towels.  “It’s called cherophobia.  Sorry.  I overheard y’all’s conversation.”

                 Kelsey scoffed.  “Now, here I thought you majored in nutrition and food science and minored in business.”

                 “My roommate was a psychology major.”  Abby put the towels on the opposite bench and adjusted her zebra printed sports bra.  “Always talking about phobias.  I didn’t know there were so many.  Cherophobia stuck with me because I thought, “Who would be afraid to be happy?”

                 Narrowing her eyes at Abby and said, “I want to be happy and have a relationship with Wade.  I love him, but I need to know if he truly wants me for myself and not because Hannah is my daughter.  I mean, I’m glad he loves her, but the question remains: does he see his sister when he’s with her or Hannah?”

                 “Wade is an intelligent man; he knows he can’t replace his sister.”  Tracey placed a hand on Kelsey’s knee.  “Abby told me that Wade gave you great comfort you when my brother died, and at his memorial service.  Since I’ve been back from Hope City, I’ve seen y’all have grown closer.”  She shut her eyes, and then said, ”Grab love and happiness while you can.  Grace will tell you they can be taken away from you in a blink of an eye.”

                 Guilt washed over her.  Her best friend and her family were still in mourning.  “I’m sorry.  My problem is small compared to yours.  How are things?”

                 Tracey swallowed visibly.   “I’m doing better than Grace.   She’s grieving and trying to be there for her boys, especially Ryder.  He says he hates God, which was a blow to Grace.  Like us, she and Cole always found solace in their relationship with Christ, and now that her oldest son might turn from the Lord…”

                 “Ryder’s a ten-year-old boy who just lost his father and hero.”  Abby sat down on Tracey’s other side.  “He’s angry right now, but I believe he’ll be okay; it’ll just take some time.”

                 “I hope so.”  Tracey gave a weary smile, and then looked at Kelsey.  “Please talk to Wade, and clear up this misunderstanding.” 

                 “I will.”

                 “You told me Wade doesn’t get along with his father, so maybe he spends time with Hannah because his father wasn’t there for him like until recently Parker wasn’t there for Hannah,” Abby said.  “Didn’t that ever occur to you?”

                 Kelsey shook her head as she started to take off her workout clothes.  It hadn’t occurred to her.  John had told her once Wade’s father was a highly-sought-after neurosurgeon and had to be away a lot.  So, did he feel a kindred spirit toward Hannah?  Probably.  Kelsey knew that she needed to be confident in his feelings for her, but she wouldn’t be satisfied until she talked to Wade.
 

***

 

                 Setting his suitcase by the door, Wade let out a sigh of relief.  It felt good to be home.

                 He stretched out his back, trying to get it to pop so that he could feel better.  Wade wasn’t used to driving over five hours, almost nonstop.  He’d only stopped once for gas since he wanted to get home around lunchtime.

                 Wade felt his stomach rumble.

                 He was surprised he’d lasted this long.  Wade had one big blueberry muffin at six that morning.

                 Wade padded his way to the kitchen.  Scanning the few contents left in the refrigerator, he decided on just lunch meat and cheese, since the bread had gone moldy.

                 As he ate, he stared at Kelsey’s number that displayed on the screen of his cell. Should he call?  What did Kelsey want to talk about?  Then he thought about what his nana had told him the previous day when he voiced his guilt about wanting to leave so soon.

                 Wade's nana bent forward in her recliner and wagged her finger.  “Now, don’t worry about me.  Your mom will take care of me, and the others will check on me.”  She leaned back and sighed.  “At least I’m not in the hospital anymore.”

                 “So, do you think you will like living here?”  Wade glanced around the old guest room, pleased with it.  Before his nana had been hospitalized, his mom painted the room the same color as Nana’s bedroom.  Both Wade and his uncle Walter had arranged the furniture the way Nana would have wanted.

                  “I’d rather be here than a nursing home.”  She laced her fingers over her stomach.  “My moving in here was going to happen sooner or later.  With my health and financial problems, I can’t live by myself anymore.”  She glanced at him.  “I’m blessed.  Some people can’t afford or aren’t able to take in their elderly parents.  All of my eight children wished they could have me live with them, but since your mom doesn’t work and has a nurse’s background and doesn't work anymore, it made sense for me to move here.”

                   “Yeah, you’re lucky you have kids and grandkids that care about you.”

                    Nana smiled, her eyes twinkling.  “You will have them, too, God willing.”

                    Wade half smiled.  “I hope you’re right.  Kelsey still wants to talk to me.”

                    “All will be well.”  His nana reached over and squeezed his hand.  “From what you told me, Kelsey sounds reasonable.  I have no doubt you can calm whatever she is fearing.  Besides, you have your grandpa Schroeder’s charm.  Remember what he told you?”

                     Recalling the last advice his grandpa gave him before dying, a wave of sadness washed over Wade. “To always take care of a woman’s heart.  It’s one of the precious gifts a woman can give a man.”

                     Tears threaten to escape from Nana’s eyes.  “I’m glad you remembered.”

                    “Of course, I do.  It was the last conversation I had with Grandpa.”

                    “I think he wanted to give you advice while he could.  We both prayed you would find a special young lady who would make you happy and change your life.  Now that you have, don’t let her get away.”

                    Snapping himself back to the present, he pressed the call icon.  Nana was right.  He needed to phone Kelsey and ask her to come over.  Hopefully, after they talk, her fears would disappear.

 

***

 

                     Driving to Wade’s house, Kelsey licked her lips, knowing pretty soon she would get her answers, but would they be the ones she wanted?  Anxiety had gripped her when Wade called.  Her pulse throbbed in her ears. Kelsey knew it would be a hard conversation they would have.  Pastor Kellerman had told her Wade blamed himself for his sister’s death, and her stomach churned, feeling guilty about the awful memories she was sure to dredge up.

                     Kelsey walked to the door and rang the doorbell.

                     The door swung open, and Wade gave her a half curious smile.  It reminded Kelsey of when they didn’t understand the feeling between them early on in their relationship when both tried to avoid each other but stole a few glances at each other when he gave her small smiles and a longing look.

                     Sadness racked through her as she remembered that time.   Maybe if I’d been less fearful and cultivated a relationship with Wade earlier on, I would’ve learned more about his past, and I wouldn’t have doubts about where I stood.  Pushing that thought aside, she returned the smile.  “Hi, Wade.”

                      “Hi, Kelsey.  He stepped aside, opening the door wider.  “Come in out of the cold.”

                      “Thanks.”  She entered the warm house and handed him a round red cookie tin with a Christmas tree on the lid.  “These are some goodies I thought you might enjoy.  I put in Pfeffernusse, divinity, pralines, and decorated Christmas trees, angels, stars, and Santa Clauses sugar cookies.  The divinity candies are my specialty.  Everyone orders them.”  She snapped her mouth shut to stop herself from rambling.

                      “Ahh, I love divinity!  Thanks.”  Wade opened the cookie tin and popped a fluffy white ball into his mouth.  “Mmm, this is the best one I’ve had in a long time.”  He put the lid back on and put the tin on the buffet.  “I can’t wait to have some more.”

                      “I’m glad you’ll enjoy them.”       

                      Wade led the way to the couch, and they both sat. 

                       Kelsey chewed on her bottom lip, and Wade rubbed his palms on his jeans.  She cleared her throat.  “I hope your grandma is better.”

                       “Yes, but I think she’s anxious about the surgery next month.”

                       “I don’t blame her.”

                       “Nana’s happy to be out of the hospital.”  He chuckled.  “She’s a lousy patient.  She hates to be bed-ridden.”   

                       Kelsey nodded, wondering how to broach the subject of Christina.  “At least her staying at your parents’ house grants her more freedom.”

                       “Yeah.”  Wade twisted his college ring, a gesture she’d noticed he did whenever he was nervous about something.  “How have you been?”

                       “Okay, I guess.  Baking like a madwoman.”  She glanced at her folded hands and whispered, “And missing you.”

                       Wade’s large hand covered her small ones, making her look up and see his shocked expression.  She knew her confession would surprise him since she had been aloof when he called three days ago.

                       “You did?”

                       “Yes.”  Kelsey exhaled.  “I know I was cold the last couple of times we talked.  It’s just-.”  She moved her hands from under his and tucked a piece of hair behind her right ear.

                       “What?”  Wade leaned in as if to hear better. 

                       “Last week, when I came here, I saw something that disturbed me.”  She shook her head.  “It’s probably nothing like Tracey told me, but I need to know.”

                       Wade rubbed his chin, waiting for Kelsey to continue, but when she didn’t, he said, “What was it?”

                       “It’s your sister.”

                       He frowned.  “Christina?  Why?”

                       “Remember, I saw her picture.”  Kelsey gestured to the one beside her.  “Christina and Hannah look a lot alike, and I was wondering if-.”  She swallowed a few times to prevent a lump in her throat.  “If you were using me to get to Hannah.”

                       Wade's mouth dropped.  “What?  You thought I wanted to replace my sister?”  He rose from the couch and went to the fireplace mantle.  Wade shook his head, and agitated rubbed his neck.  He mumbled something about not being clear.

                       Kelsey fiddled with her hands, awaiting his explanation.  

                       Wade reclaimed his place next to her, and the look in his eyes made her feel hopeful.  “Kelsey, you’re wrong.  I was attracted to you the first minute I met you.  Yes, when I saw Hannah, she reminded me of Christina, and I was overwhelmed with memories of her, but after I spoke with Hannah early in our acquaintance, I knew she wasn’t Christina.”  He sighed.  “Meeting you made me want to move on, but before I could, I knew I had to get over my guilt of what happened to my sister.  That’s why up until two weeks ago, I’ve been seeing Pastor Kellerman.  I wanted to be a better man for myself, you and Hannah.”

                        Tears rolled down Kelsey's cheeks.  “You must think I’m foolish.”

                        Wade wiped her tears away with the pads of his thumbs and sweetly kissed her mouth.  “I think you’ve been hurt one too many times, and you’re scared of being happy.”

                        “Tracey and Abby said the same thing to me this morning.”  She smiled at him.  “I love you.  You make me feel things I haven’t felt before. I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true.  You know it took me a while to come to accept what I was feeling.  I knew God wanted you and me to finally be happy.”

                        Returning her smile, he kissed her again.  “I know that He does.  I love you, too.  My grandpa Schroeder told me a woman was the most treasured gift God can give to a man after children.  And the man must take care of her heart since it’s one of the precious things she can give him.”

                        “I want to meet him.”

                        “Unfortunately, Grandpa died almost seven years ago.”  Wade's eyes grew dim.

                        “I’m sorry.”

                        “It’s okay.” He caressed her cheek.  “He had pancreatic cancer, but he was ready to go.  It was hard for him and tough for us, seeing him in pain.  Although we miss him, we know he’s at peace.”

                        Kelsey stroked his forearm and thought about both sets of her grandparents.  Her heart yearned for one more day with them.  Along with her parents, they’d taught her if she worked hard and lived by the golden rule, she would have a contented life.

                        “Yet, knowing that it’s still never easy for the people they left behind,” Kelsey said.

                        “No, but it’s easier to bury an older person than a younger one.”  He peered over her shoulder and glanced sadly at Christina’s picture.

                        “Do you want to talk about your sister?”  When she saw the sadness in his eyes, she chided herself.  “Never mind.”                                  Wade cupped her face.  “No, I want to tell you.”  He leaned back, tapping his chin with his index finger, and stared into space.  “I was eight when Christina was born.  My parents called her their miracle baby because when my mom had me, there were complications, and the doctor said she would probably not conceive again.”  Wade smiled a little.   “We doctors are wrong sometimes.”

                        “I know.”  Kelsey let out a breath.  “The doctors told me Hannah wouldn’t be able to learn, talk, use her arms or hands or walk.  In the end, they were wrong.  You don’t know this, but she has enough balance that she can use a walker.  I need to make sure she uses it more often.”

                        “You should.”  Wade gathered her to him and kissed her hair.  “It’ll make Hannah even more independent in the future.”

                        “That’s what I’ve been telling her, as well as her physical therapist, but she’s stubborn.”  She caressed the length of his right arm and breathed in his spicy cologne.  “Please, continue with your story.”  

                        Wade cleared his throat.  “When Christina was born, I was over the moon, becoming a big brother.  Everybody loved her, but soon we noticed she wasn’t doing things other babies did at the same age.  Later, the doctors told my parents that Christina was mentally disabled, which crushed them.  I mean parents wish their babies will grow up and have successful futures with careers, and, if they want, their own families.  However, my parents and I loved my sisters to pieces, so we vowed not to give up on her.”

                        Kelsey closed her eyes, thanking God for Wade’s parents’ strength and love for their daughter.  She knew from a friend, who had an autistic child, it was a struggle sometimes, but it also had rewards.  Parents with special children eventually learn to take things as they come, trust in God, and love their kids no matter what.

                        “My dad found the best physical therapist, speech therapist, and an occupational therapist, and they started working with Christina when she was almost two.  They helped her a lot; they taught her to eat with a fork and spoon and how to communicate with us using pictures.  She did finally learn to speak when she was three.  It was amazing to hear her sweet voice.”

                        Kelsey brushed away a stray tear.  “What was her first word?”

                        “Mama,” Wade said, smiling.

                        “You two were close.”

                        “Yes.”  He tensed.  “My dad was away a lot, so she relied on my mom and me to help her.  I never minded.  I felt responsible for her.”

                        “You grew up fast.”  With her face tucked in his chest, Kelsey smiled, envisioning a younger Wade tying Christina’s shoes or taking her hand to cross the street.  No wonder he was so good with Hannah.  He understood disabled people.

                        “What about school?”

                        “Christina was in Special Ed classes, and she could learn the basics, but her I.Q. level was low so that she couldn’t be mainstreamed into regular classes.”  Wade rubbed his eyes.  “I think we were all resigned to the fact she would always be dependent on us, which was fine as long as she was happy and healthy.  Christina was a sweet girl.  Whenever somebody was down, she would say ‘don’t worry, be happy’ and she would smile.  It was impossible to stay sad when she was around.  I wish she was still with us.”

                        Kelsey lifted her head and locked gazes with him.  “She is, in spirit.  And,” she placed a hand over his heart, “in here.”

“I know.” Wade caressed her hair.  “For fifteen years, I blamed myself for Christina’s death, but Pastor Kellerman, along with you and Hannah, helped me to see I need to stop and to live again.  It is a struggle, though.”

                        Kelsey pushed up and looked at him.  “What happened?”

                        “One night, my mom and nana were at a party, and I stayed at home with Christina.  She wanted to watch her favorite movie, The Sound of Music.  Like usual, it enthralled her.  I was studying my college catalog, and I fell asleep.  When I woke up, Christina wasn’t in the living room, so I went upstairs to her room.  The French doors to the balcony were open, and I noticed the iron railing was gone.”  Wade closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “I raced to the balcony, and I saw Christina’s lifeless body on the ground, her dolls scattered around her.”

                        Kelsey’s hand flew to her mouth, and tears fell down her face.  No wonder he had problems forgiving himself.  “Oh, Wade.”

                        He ignored her and stared into space again.  “I felt my heart sink to my stomach, and I froze.  When my senses returned, I called 911, but I knew it was too late.”

                        Hanging his head, Kelsey's heart ached for Wade and wished she could help to take away his pain.   She enveloped him in her embrace and comforted him.  “It wasn’t your fault.”

                         “That’s what everyone tells me, except my dad,” Wade said in the crook of her neck.  “He still blames me.  I wish I hadn’t fallen asleep.  I’m pretty sure Christina wanted to reenact the part of the movie where Maria and the Von Trapp children were playing with the marionettes.  It was one of her favorite parts.  If only I had been awake, I would’ve stopped her.”

                         “You can’t change the past.”  Kelsey cringed after she said that.  He had probably heard that fact countless of times.  She would have made a terrible crisis counselor.  Pastor Kellerman was better at this than her.

                         Wade pulled away.   “I know.  Christina wouldn’t want me to continue to feel guilty.  Our pastor taught me that.”

                         “She probably wouldn’t.”  Kelsey took his hand.  “It sounds like you were a great older brother, and I’m sure she loved you."  She frowned, remembering how they had almost lost Travis.  Kelsey remembered regretting not being the sister he needed.  “I know this isn’t the same, but I might not have my brother now if they hadn’t found a heart for him.  When we were waiting for him to come out of surgery, I hated myself for not being a better older sister.”

                         Wade blinked a few times, his mouth ajar.  “You are close to Travis.”

                         “Yes, I am, but I was a little jealous whenever he got more attention than I did.”  Kelsey shook her head, disappointed at how she’d felt years before.  “I always loved my brother and prayed for him to get a new heart.  Whenever he got sick, I cried, knowing getting ill was harder for him than most people.  Then after he got better, I got jealous again.  I hated it.  I felt that it kept me from being a more supportive sister that he deserved.  When Travis made it through the heart transplant surgery, I visited him in the I.C.U., and I asked him to forgive me for not being nicer to him.”  Kelsey giggled.  “I guess I hid my jealousy well because Travis had no idea what I was talking about.  He told me he knew I loved him, that he always felt it.  Travis didn’t want me to feel guilty for what I felt, saying he probably would have felt the same way if the tables were reversed.”  She touched Wade’s arm.  “See?  Everybody has something they regret.”

                         Nodding, Wade put his forehead against hers.  “We are a pair, aren’t we?”  Then his stomach rumbled again.  “I’m still hungry.   I know you’ve probably eaten, but…”

                         “Actually, I was too busy to eat.”  She smiled.  “Want to have lunch together?”

                         “What do you think?”  He winked.